How to Write for Hollywood – Volume 1

Do you enjoy calling yourself a “writer” but can’t stand the tedium of writing? Would you rather binge watch the latest reality show than open a book? Does everything you consume go better with wine? Now, you can find a remarkable career writing for Hollywood. This simple 98-step program will prepare you for the competitive and rudimentary field of writing for “modern audiences.”

There is indeed no time like the present for subpar, mediocre, or downright asinine writing! This system is guaranteed to ensure even the most incompetent and illiterate writer will achieve success.

First, you must understand some of the lingo. “Modern audiences,” doesn’t actually mean the consumer base for your product. It is technical verbiage for your co-writers. This is necessary insurance for what will come later on in the article.

What do modern audiences want? You already know! With this important information established, we will move on to the more technical elements of your new career. It’s important to learn a number of new vocabulary definitions for this field.

1. Modern Sensibilities/Audience– Remember, there’s no such thing as historic fact, realism, or truth in modern writing. Do you want Māori warriors fighting Vikings? No problem. Do you envision Apache braves fighting Romans? There’s no issue there. History is completely malleable. Your writing shouldn’t reflect actual history, it should reflect the history you prefer.
2. Diversity– This must be included in your script, regardless of time or location. Remember, actual minorities lack the imagination and intelligence to create their own stories. They must rely on “white” writers to give them parts in “white” stories, rather than simply offering platforms to minorities who think they can write. We know better. They are dependent upon Hollywood to be represented. You are a soldier on the front lines of perpetuating inclusion. These poor groups lack the creativity and wherewithal to have their own stories or heroes.
3. Trolls– Anyone who disagrees with or doesn’t like your writing.

Now that our vocabulary is in order. We may proceed with the initial steps in the program.

Step 1: Old writing must be updated. Remember the classic authors are flukes to’ve lasted this long. Modern audiences are mass produced through a shoddy and ineffective public school system. As a result, keep your dialog to a 3^rd grade level. We can’t very well highlight the skyrocketing numbers of illiteracy and intellectual incompetence and maintain an audience.

Step 2: Never look at source material! Even if the script you’re working on is part of a popular franchise, you want to keep a fresh pair of eyes. This means you must never read or watch source material. Recognizing established lore is sure to create problems in your writing. Your respective studio will ignore it as long as you do.

Step 3: When dealing with an established franchise, never listen to the fan base! Always ask cowriters for advice, but only if they have never read it, either. You want fresh perspectives on every element of your script. Fan love or support is meaningless, it’s your creative vision.

Step 4: Don’t sweat the dialogue. Dialogue just isn’t important. If you want to create an air of intelligence or history, throw in a few big words and make your characters speak slowly to properly enunciate. Modern audiences will never know the difference.

Step 5: Never write about material you actually like. You should only write about subjects you care nothing about. Never let emotion or passion influence your work.

Step 6: Always be on the defensive. Be sure to highlight political individuals you dislike in your material. Era politics have always been the primary focus in fiction. Audiences love to see the evening news in their escapism.

Step 7: Always teach. Your audience is only as smart as your material. They must be taught to enjoy your writing, even when they don’t. Your writing is your soapbox, your grandstand. It should be the means to spread your opinions and teachings. Your philosophy is far more important than your story.

Step 8: Faux controversy is your best friend. If any interview or discussion happens to touch on an element of your script that someone doesn’t like, change the subject. Create some kind of fake controversy to overshadow the proposed question. Social media is the perfect platform to anonymously create fake accounts for you to masquerade as “haters.” Sympathy for your faux controversy is almost as good as word-of-mouth promotion. An audience member doesn’t like your dialogue? What they’re really saying is they don’t like the ethnically diverse actor.

Step 9: No one pays attention to reviews. Reviews are just a tool to help retailers sell something and should be ignored.

Step 10: In the rare instance that reviews become an issue, and you have followed the steps above, you can simply deflect the negativity. This comes back to the diversity as insurance mentioned above. The audience person doesn’t really have an issue with the dialogue. That’s just a smokescreen. What they really mean is they hate minorities. They aren’t really complaining about your two-dimensional characters. They’re really saying they’re homophobic.

This concludes this installment of How to Write for Hollywood. You should now tell even more people you are a writer. No matter how poorly your writing may be, or how disinteresting your characters are, you can give them all depth and substance just with the aforementioned diversity insurance.

Disclaimer: This article is a parody. It details how NOT to write good material. Please do not follow these steps.